Cornbread

Hey y’all!!!

Sorry for the delay in posting! I must say that I really miss hearing from you guys & dolls (mostly through texts, emails and personal messages). Although this may be a compilation my tawdry shenanigans,  I do this blog for your entertainment. Thank you so much for your feedback and support. Happy Reading!

It’s 2013 and in this 30-something year of life, I decided to stay in town and celebrate the whole weekend for my favorite holiday, my birthday. My birthday landed on a Friday and I spent the day at the mall, and then chilled at home. The next day, one of my besties and I went club-hopping. Now let me just say, I do not, I repeat I do not like clubs, however, I go when I want to dress up and be seen, sip strong adult beverages while listening to music as I try to have a decent conversation, yelling over loud ass music. I’m usually enjoying the company that I’m with moreso than the “club scene” itself. It’s one of those silly things that I do “just to do”, not too often, of course.

As I walked through the club, there was one particular dude that caught my eye. He was tall, dark skinned,  with a little patch of grey in the front of his low hair cut , and a great smile to boot! I don’t know what it was, maybe the fact that he was wearing a bow tie, coupled with my obsession with nice teeth/smiles… For whatever reason we just kept glancing at each other, off and on. He approached me and as soon as he opened his mouth I knew he was “Country” as hell… And I was in heaven because I love me some Country-ass men!! I’m really big on accents and I love the way that they talk, specifically Carolinas, Louisiana, Georgia, Mississippi, Tennesse, Florida….Oooh-weee! They are my guilty pleasure along with Jamaican men with accents,  and men with Northern preferably New York/New Jersey accents.  So of course as he talked I listened deeply, at the club, over loud ass music. Yes, Charles was from a small podunk town in South Carolina. “Cornbread fed and Country bred!” Jackpot!!! We had a short conversation but we vibed really well. We even took pictures together at the club too, it was crazy. Since my homegirl and I and we were about to go, he said he would walk me to her car. We exchanged numbers and agreed to link up later.

So once I got to my car, I called him back and we decided to meet up at IHOP. We ate and chatted. We were really into each other and I must say pretty quickly for a first time meeting. Afterward he walked me to my car and in the parking lot there was a whole lot of hugging and kissing going on. I love to kiss and Cornbread was a great kisser. It was crazy, but we ended it there and told each other goodnight. We talked everyday on the phone for a couple of weeks but we didn’t hang out much because he “left his car in SC” and I didn’t feel cool about picking him up to “take me out” somewhere, even if he’s paying; That’s just not my style…

I decided that his not having transportation, paired with drinking so much hard liquor & beer, all day, every day while being a full time college student, in his 30’s, he was not “date-able”. Maybe he would be of other good use… We had been talking on the phone for a couple of weeks and I finally went over to his place. We only talked briefly and then of course went on to kissing again. “D.T.F.” as usual,  I came prepared and I was the first one to undress. And from there we went at it over an hour. Now, thinking back on it, the shit said to me in bed was hilarious. My favorite lines were, in his thick, Southern drawl was “Oooh Wee!”, “Damn guhl” and “Oh, dis yo dick, huh?”  And he was so serious as he asked me THAT…LMAO!  Of course the answer was an emphatic “Yeah”. I owned the Bone, signed the deed on that MF and everything!!!

In the days, after he seemed to become  too attached and possessive, especially if I didn’t call him back right away. He was calling & texting me way too much. I’m not sure the term for it but it’s the male equivalent of a woman being “dickmatized”. I did come over once more, but we didn’t have sex that time. I was actually too tired to drive home from work and he lived very close to where I worked, so I asked him if I could come over and crash. I couldn’t give him any more, since he does’t “know how to act”….

Well too bad it didn’t work out, not for me but for him. He desired so much of my time and more of a relationship from me, and I didn’t want that from him. Turns out we had a mutual friend we knew personally, in common, an old shipmate of his, and she had nothing but good things to say about him, and I assumed she didn’t have the “experience” with him, that I had. After all of his calling, texting and over-possessiveness I decided to delete and block him from all social media and tell him to never call me again. He of course called a little longer, then faded out. We did briefly saw each other once more, when I passed through his neighborhood on the way somewhere else. He was so shocked to see me he was speechless, and I just waved and kept going… I had nothing more to say to him. My silence was just as golden as a delicious piece of cornbread….

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It’s a Celebration Bishes!

Hi Guys and Dolls! My birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I just thought about someTHING. Last year on my birthday, AND the previous year, I did not GET LAID (translation: no smashy-smashy). I’ve been getting Birthday Sex since I was 17. Yes, I am a Scorpio and we usually have a high sex drive (Horny Asses! LOL) SMH! Hopefully this year, I get some on my birthday, because this is absolutely ridicKulous…To go three birthdays in a row with no dick!  It’s Dick Deprevation!

Aaaaaargh!

Friends, Followers & Fans, please show your support; keep me in your well wishes (I won’t say prayers; due to the subject matter being fornication  #dontjudgeme). Hope that I have a blast on my birthday. It’s been 6 months and I need some fireworks in my life. Thank you for  reading and have a good ONE…. for me. ;-)

Mazel tav!!

 

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Bollywood Vino Flow…#OhNo!

Hello Peeps.  As you know, “Randy” has been on a self-inflicted hiatus…For the most part, mainly from involvement in Ratchet Activities or just plain old Tomfoolery…

So far, so good!!! And of course I have to celebrate!

It was a Friday night and I went out, solo, to my favorite Wine/Tapas Bar. What better way to unwind after work, for the night, right? I had a rough day and I just wanted to have a glass of vino and relax.

I sat the bar for a little while and unlike a “usual” night; it took awhile before any one came over to introduce themselves. A few stools down there was a Indian guy, sitting by himself. He looked as though he was headed moreso for the sports bar, than a nice wine and tapas joint.

He didn’t say anything to me at all at first… Until, in walks his “friend slash coworker”, who immediately seemed to be a “natural” social butterfly, walks up to me, introduces himself  [Rudra-Hindi for “Remover of pain”] and his friend. Not only was  he charming, he was very effin’ attractive!!! I was suprised at my attraction to him because normally I’m attracted to dark skin and/or black men. He was definitely a man of color; he was from India. He had a slight Indian accent and he was very “Americanized”. He said he lived in Detroit when he first moved to the U.S. That was very apparent because certain things that he said seemed, uhhh, “urban” [black] but in a “proper” way. He was 5 years older, somewhat grey, a shitload lot of fun and very conversational; I enjoyed his company. I also found him “Finer than a MF”.. I wanted to know more about him and see more of him…

Now his friend, on the other hand, even though he said he had been drinking since 4 p.m. (8 hours),  seemed uptight and “on edge” . He kept criticizing the uniforms of the bar staff and other things. I found him quite annoying actually, yet I remained cordial, because he was friends with the one that I had interest in….The funny thing about him is that he seemed like he was developing an interest in me…and I was, uhhhh NOT….but he definitely made sure my vino stayed topped off, and I loved that. He started talking shit about someone who was parked in  a Honda, in VIP Valet, then the starts ragging about “Some asshole on the Porshe Boxter”…Turns out it was Rudra’s whip, and he was low-key about it, which I found this quality in him, Very Sexy…

So after an hour of hanging out, Rudra wanted the three of us, plus “a friend of mine” to hang out, at the beach. My go-to homegirl was on a date, and his friend Kashtkar [Hindi for Annoying], had stormed off in a drunken daze, so we decided to go, to an exclusive beach, on our own. He drove me to my car, and I followed him.. 

Since I don’t know this mofo, I didn’t ride with him as he requested…After about 20 mins, we arrived at the beach. We took full advantage of the amazing amount of moonlight available that night.  We walked on the beach for a while; talking, laughing, gazing.  AND YES, I definitely wanted to give him the business, but I didn’t.  I remained a fuckin’ lady! We did kiss, often. I found his his kisses to be soft, sensual and sweet. I held back my tongue,  hell, we both held back…for whatever reason. He had me both physically and mentally turned on and #turnedup.  I think we held back to keep it “sweet’. He invited me to the ocean.  I obliged.  We walked in shallow waters, and he led me deeper. I didnt want to go, yet I felt safe in his presence.  The waves were starting to crash and I wanted to come in closer to shore,  he calmed my nervousness…and then…. a big ass
wave came, thew me off balance,and he fell and went underwater. I lost my favorite pair of flipflops just that fast!. Shit! Rudra wanted to go in and get them for me. I asked him not to because it was too dark and unsafe. I actually cared about him. I was feeling him and I didn’t want him to accidently drown over a pair of dayum Nike Sofsoles. I ain’t shallow! Shit!!!

We laughed it all off and walked back to our cars. We kissed a little bit more and talked a bit. Since he lived a little closer to the beach than I, so he invited me to his place to shower, and perhaps spend the night. It was after 4am. I wanted to but I didn’t want to spoil the moment.  I’m very aware that he knows his Porshe is an Instant Pussy magnet, but for me , it takes more than that.  I have higher standards now and I don’t just smash,  even when I know I can. I demand/want more.

Sidebar: I was told by one of my “advisors” that if I wanted to be a hoe, I should be very particular about where I choose the men from; I.E. don’t just choose someone at a club/bar, choose someone from say, like a library, or bookstore, etc…By the way, I’m not an Aspiring Hoe. Liberation does not make you a hoe. And I visit bookstores and libraries often, to read/buy the books, not to prowl for men…SMH

He wanted to spend Saturday AND Sunday with me, but that night, I wouldn’t make solid plans. He felt that “I wouldn’t let him have my weekend”. I will admit, he did pique my curiosity, but I chose to play the BS game, that I was taught to play “to get the man you want, you can’t be too readily available”. I waited and I called him Monday, around noon and left a message.  I don’t know what happened,  maybe the “moment” had passed,  maybe I should’ve kept true to my feelings (I really wanted to see him more & sooner. I don’t know….I won’t force it,  but I would absolutelty love to see him again. We shall see…Time will tell…Yep, I’d definitely “curry” that MF… And see what that Tantric be like… 😉 Yesssss! SMH.

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Had a fantastic date? Now what??

Good evening! Although it may seem like I may be slightly “ratchet”, I am trying to do my best to find someone to settle down with, all the while taking advice drom some of my guy friends and other guy sources. Why??  Because we chicks don’t know sh*t, only guys really know about guys…This is not meant to offend because I know we all mean well, however, the best advice I’ve ever received about guys have been FROM actual guys! They have the actual, uhhh, “equipment”, so if you’ve got a couple QUALITY guy friends/relatives, go to them and make sure you get as much information as possible. I happened to run across an article that I would like to share with you ladies out there: Have you ever had a great date and the guy disappeared on you or never called back?  Here’s a possiblity on WHY… http://bit.ly/18aqPol

http://www.thefrisky.com/2012-07-25/guy-talk-why-you-never-heard-from-me-again-after-our-amazing-first-date/

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La Secuela (The Sequel)

So…I have been advised by a friend and counsel that I must “deal” (my words) with Keith a second and perhaps third time in order to avoid the “hoe label” and return to being seen as the “cool chick”. In my mind, deep down to the pits of my soul, from the top of my Pituitary Gland and the bottom of my Medulla Oblangata,  I am screaming “Noooooooo”. He made some valid points; If you have sex with someone one time, they could just see you and say “oh yeah, I hit that” or “she’s just a l’il hoe”. Also sometimes the “first time” can be bad or awkward, because of nervousness, etc. It’s not just about having sex one or two more times, it’s about going out and hanging with him like on a buddy basis, and maybe throw in a little sex for good measure . I’ve never been approached with this situation before however I’ve made my decision on what I’m going to do. I’d like to hear some feedback from you. What do YOU think I’m going to do and what made you come up with YOUR prediction?

(By the way, after looking at a picture of Scarface, I think Keith looks more like Tony Montana than Ray Romano…Yikes!)

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Salida Rápida (Quick Exit, Non-Fuego)

As you know “Randy”, is I am affectionately called, is usually on the Latin scene. Unfortunately I’m going to have to take a little hiatus until I figure out what TF to do about a little situation.

Wanna know what happened??? Of course you do….

Well…I went to two Latin spots and I ran into a guy I met on the scene that I haven’t seen in awhile. I only know him as Keith, a Colombian man in his late 30’s. He has a very strong accent and also looks much older than his age. I guess you could say he looks like a poor man’s Ray Romano. He’s always very social and it seems like his goal is to buy me as many drinks as possible and talk my head off. He doesn’t really like to dance. Sometimes he comes with a friend thats a pretty good dancer and I dance with him too. He always says “I’m not a dancer, I’m an engineer”. I usually state “What does THAT have to do with anything?” AND of course he replies back with his rebuttal… Not in a mean spirited away though. Usually when we dance he’s constantly spinning me, while holding a drink in the other hand. If he could he would probably hold a cigarette in that same hand…SMH. By the way I really dislike smoking but he’s fun so I usually go outside with him for him to take a smoke. I tend to risk my lung health for people that interest me. Maybe one day I’ll get a medal for it who knows…

Since we were at a cigar bar, we went to the side where guests smoke . We sat down and chatted as usual. Even though the act and smell of smoking grosses me out, I could smell his cologne through the “smokescreen” and it smelled really nice. This night he had his cigarettes on the table. He said he just bought the box the day before. Dayum regular Marlboros! I noticed half of them were gone. I told him that I really don’t like smoking and he should probably quit. He said he can quit anytime. I took his box of cigarettes from him and ask if I could throw them in the garbage and he said “Okay, I quit for you”. I took the remaining cigarettes and tore them in half, put them back in the box and threw ’em in the garbage can. That was easy….

We left out afterwards. We were in the parking lot . He was like “Let’s hang out some more; I can get a room or you can come to my place.” I said let’s get a room” (because the likelihood of getting kill’t is significantly lower…You know, in case he wanted to murder a bitch lol). I don’t know, I figured maybe we could chill… At 2 a.m. in the morning… I have just only chilled in a hotel room before… I can see y’all right now,  rolling your eyes while you’re reading this. SMH!

We talked for awhile and then we wound up having sex. I wasn’t drunk or anything so I knew exactly what I was doing. I was conducting an experiment. I wanted to try a Hispanic man out. I didn’t like this one..NOT fuego at all.I wouldn’t say that ruined it for any other Hispanic guys since this particular experience was not appealing to me. I think it’s because he’s older lookin’ and he was smallish… I know the saying goes “It’s not the size of the ship, it’s the motion of the ocean”, but dammit, a little dinghy can capsize like an MF. I really don’t like to waste my “stuff”. Maybe next time I’ll aim higher, for a Mario Lopez lookin’, more endowed type and hope for the best …to close out my Experiment Files. Damn, does that sound shallow!? SMH

Sorry, I know I went out of order so let me backtrack to the “Walk of Shame” Morning After, uhhh incident…

I woke up feeling awkward as hell and felt that I needed to just get out of there. I could hear him snoring loudly so I figured he was in deep REM sleep. At this moment I felt like David Copperfield because I had do a serious magic trick on his ass! I summoned my Inner Magician to get out of the bed, grab my things quickly and quietly to make a mad dash for the door without waking him. Check out time was quickly approaching… Oh man, I had to haul major ass!! I grabbed my shoes, purse, glasses and clothing however couldn’t find my underwear, so I crossed my fingers and hoped that he wouldn’t do anything crazy with them. I quietly walked toward the door and I looked in my purse to make sure I had my keys. I was able to get dressed while I “hid” in the area where the bathroom was. I quickly reached over, removed the safety latch and unlocked the deadbolt. I opened the door and hauled ass as quickly as I could in five inch platform Madden peep toe pumps! I knew the sound of the door woke him. I went straight to the elevator and did not look back. I got in my car and I hauled the most major level of ass-hauling I’ve ever the done in my life!

I could smell his cologne and smoke in my hair and on me. I could not wait to take a shower!! I didn’t realize until I got a text from him at about noon that I forgot my charger. I guess he’s holding on to it for me. Don’t worry Buddy because I’m not going to try to link up with you to get my charger; I’m trying to avoid you! Not your fault you did nothing wrong…Sometimes you just gotta go… So now I’ll be in hiatus mode. Now that I know which two spots he could be, I’ll just avoid them for a little bit. If I see him I’ll judge his demeanor and if he wants to speak I’ll speak and be “normal”. If he acts weird I’ll just will ignore him. He seems to be a mature guy so I’m assuming that he will at least say “Hello” when he sees me…Time will tell…

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Cuban Culo, NOT Papi Chulo (En Inglés: “Cuban A$$hole”)

Well as you may know,  I have been into the “Latin Scene”, due to my newfound passion for Latin dancing… I’ve been approached by guys of different ethnicities to dance,  mainly Latin guys, and because I’m not rude I usually  oblige ;-). I’ve been “collecting” numbers here and there but 1 one really caught my attention.

One nite, I came out to dance as usual. There’s one guy (James, who happens to be Chocolate) in particular that I really enjoy dancing with such that we text each other often, to meet up to dance. I show up to the club  before him and a guy of Hispanic descent came over and asked you to dance. I usually don’t refuse dances, (the more the merrier), however I wasn’t so eager to..He had pull me out… Once I started dancing with him I noticed that he was really good and he was very cute. So afterwards we sit at the bar he officer buy me a drink. Now usually I love partaking in Adult Beverages, but for some reason when I
go out Latin dancing I’m more into drinking water than drinking alcohol. He bought me a water, I’m sipping and then suddenly to my left appears my usual Chocolate dance partner. I felt very awkward because I had to socialize with the both of them and dance with the both of them. I kinda felt like they were in silent competition never spoke to one another.

So when the Chocolate guy was dancing with someone else, the Hispanic guy gave me his name and number. I planned to link up again with “Jay” again soon.  I danced with the Chocolate guy a couple more times ,we chatted a bit and then parted ways.

Over the next few days I discovered he didn’t speak English too well. Yes it’s possible for me to dance a few times with a guy and he not speak much but I just thought he was the shy type. He was asking me to come out to dance and I obliged. We went to a new spot. It was  authenic as hell, meaning that there were a lot of Latino people there. I couldn’t really get into the music at first; the DJ’s spins seemed to be sporadic and influenced by Crack . While we were sitting and having drinks, he writes on a napkin his name, Javier (“Jay”, as I knew it) and he handed me the pen to do the same. Yeah, I did that. He looked at it and smiled. After a while we were doing a lot of Meringue, Bachata, and a little bit of Salsa. We left and didn’t want the night to end so we went to 1 of those 24 hour breakfast spots. He wasn’t that hungry, so he only had café. I had café
and a BLT. Our conversation was nice and light. He told me he was 30, from Cuba and had been married for 4 years. He lived in Miami for a while and came up to Jacksonville to work (truck driving) Even though there was the language barrier I was breaking out my old Spanglish words and being very patient with our conversations. I looked over at his phone and saw that it was in Spanish mode….Po’ Baby.

After we finished we still wanted to spend more time together. Since we were right by the beach, that’s where we went to. We walked for a little bit and then he said “I want to  dance with you”. I’d never danced on the beach before and it was so much fun. It was kind of romantic too…very fuego! I think we were out there an hour, but after that we had to go. He walked me to my car. We talked for a few minutes and he just gazed at me saying “You’re very beautiful”, while pushing my hair out of my face. The energy felt natural and we wound up kissing and seriously making out. I don’t remember for how long but after that, he said he want to see me tomorrow (perhaps for cinema or maybe more, uhhh, besos) We said bye and parted ways…

For whatever reason we didn’t link up the next day. On occasion I would have thoughts, wondering what sex would be like with a man who doesn’t speak a lot of English, especially a Latino man (wink). I wonder what do they say during? I know that sounds weird but hell, don’t judge me because some of y’all were thinking the same thing too…Anyway, later that week he called me and asked me to go out. It was Good Friday night, before Easter. I was working late and I had a long day ahead of me so I told him I could go but not stay too long. Although it was late, h said he was getting his haircut and he had to go home to take a shower after.  No biggie because I had to do the same. I was waiting on him to contact me back and I by thebtime I contacted him again it was already after 11pm. When he answer the phone he said “Not tonight bebe, I’m very tired and sleepy”. WTF??? ¿Uve-Doble Te Efe?

Needless to say, I gave this culo The Ax. Cut TF off! I ignored his texts and calls. I’m sure I’ll see him out at Latin Night and when I do he will get brushed off there too! And this is why, as the saying goes, “you don’t eat where you shit”….

Yeah I know there might be a language barrier, however I know when somebody is trying BS me.I don’t do bullshit or toro mierda, so Adios, Enemigo. Dueces en Español!!

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