Cornbread

Hey y’all!!!

Sorry for the delay in posting! I must say that I really miss hearing from you guys & dolls (mostly through texts, emails and personal messages). Although this may be a compilation my tawdry shenanigans,  I do this blog for your entertainment. Thank you so much for your feedback and support. Happy Reading!

It’s 2013 and in this 30-something year of life, I decided to stay in town and celebrate the whole weekend for my favorite holiday, my birthday. My birthday landed on a Friday and I spent the day at the mall, and then chilled at home. The next day, one of my besties and I went club-hopping. Now let me just say, I do not, I repeat I do not like clubs, however, I go when I want to dress up and be seen, sip strong adult beverages while listening to music as I try to have a decent conversation, yelling over loud ass music. I’m usually enjoying the company that I’m with moreso than the “club scene” itself. It’s one of those silly things that I do “just to do”, not too often, of course.

As I walked through the club, there was one particular dude that caught my eye. He was tall, dark skinned,  with a little patch of grey in the front of his low hair cut , and a great smile to boot! I don’t know what it was, maybe the fact that he was wearing a bow tie, coupled with my obsession with nice teeth/smiles… For whatever reason we just kept glancing at each other, off and on. He approached me and as soon as he opened his mouth I knew he was “Country” as hell… And I was in heaven because I love me some Country-ass men!! I’m really big on accents and I love the way that they talk, specifically Carolinas, Louisiana, Georgia, Mississippi, Tennesse, Florida….Oooh-weee! They are my guilty pleasure along with Jamaican men with accents,  and men with Northern preferably New York/New Jersey accents.  So of course as he talked I listened deeply, at the club, over loud ass music. Yes, Charles was from a small podunk town in South Carolina. “Cornbread fed and Country bred!” Jackpot!!! We had a short conversation but we vibed really well. We even took pictures together at the club too, it was crazy. Since my homegirl and I and we were about to go, he said he would walk me to her car. We exchanged numbers and agreed to link up later.

So once I got to my car, I called him back and we decided to meet up at IHOP. We ate and chatted. We were really into each other and I must say pretty quickly for a first time meeting. Afterward he walked me to my car and in the parking lot there was a whole lot of hugging and kissing going on. I love to kiss and Cornbread was a great kisser. It was crazy, but we ended it there and told each other goodnight. We talked everyday on the phone for a couple of weeks but we didn’t hang out much because he “left his car in SC” and I didn’t feel cool about picking him up to “take me out” somewhere, even if he’s paying; That’s just not my style…

I decided that his not having transportation, paired with drinking so much hard liquor & beer, all day, every day while being a full time college student, in his 30’s, he was not “date-able”. Maybe he would be of other good use… We had been talking on the phone for a couple of weeks and I finally went over to his place. We only talked briefly and then of course went on to kissing again. “D.T.F.” as usual,  I came prepared and I was the first one to undress. And from there we went at it over an hour. Now, thinking back on it, the shit said to me in bed was hilarious. My favorite lines were, in his thick, Southern drawl was “Oooh Wee!”, “Damn guhl” and “Oh, dis yo dick, huh?”  And he was so serious as he asked me THAT…LMAO!  Of course the answer was an emphatic “Yeah”. I owned the Bone, signed the deed on that MF and everything!!!

In the days, after he seemed to become  too attached and possessive, especially if I didn’t call him back right away. He was calling & texting me way too much. I’m not sure the term for it but it’s the male equivalent of a woman being “dickmatized”. I did come over once more, but we didn’t have sex that time. I was actually too tired to drive home from work and he lived very close to where I worked, so I asked him if I could come over and crash. I couldn’t give him any more, since he does’t “know how to act”….

Well too bad it didn’t work out, not for me but for him. He desired so much of my time and more of a relationship from me, and I didn’t want that from him. Turns out we had a mutual friend we knew personally, in common, an old shipmate of his, and she had nothing but good things to say about him, and I assumed she didn’t have the “experience” with him, that I had. After all of his calling, texting and over-possessiveness I decided to delete and block him from all social media and tell him to never call me again. He of course called a little longer, then faded out. We did briefly saw each other once more, when I passed through his neighborhood on the way somewhere else. He was so shocked to see me he was speechless, and I just waved and kept going… I had nothing more to say to him. My silence was just as golden as a delicious piece of cornbread….

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Shell Nawwwl

Greetings!! Long time, no post…

 

I’m currently on hiatus from a few things right now and DATING is one of them! My last date, in this swelteringly hot month July and it was a definite dud, however I still believe in love, faith and sane men. I certainly wish my Love Life was as hot as these Florida Summers, but I digress…Let’s get on with it, shall we?

 

It was a beautiful Summer Sunday when I went on what I now know to be my last date of my fourth POF (Plenty of Fish) Season. The “lucky guy” was JR, which he preferred over his “presidential” birth name, Jackson. He hails from “allover, mainly Florida”, as he put it…This should’ve been my sign to RUN, since the mofo couldn’t even pinpoint where he was from, among other things, which I’ll share later. He lived near Orlando, and was eager to meet me, so much so that he tried to during one of his work trips to my city, which is only a few hours away. This guy was 36, never been married and no children…Yes, this SOUNDS great to a woman like me (at least the no kids part, because I feel that some divorced men are Diamonds in the Rough), early thirty’s, never married, no kids either, but I must admit, most guys of the same description seem to be a little, shall we say, “Bat Shit Cray-Cray” or crazy as defined by Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary. (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/crazy) I decided to give him a shot, because he seemed decent, based on our conversations. And he also sounded (and looked, in person) older than 36…so I assumed he was mature and couth…

 

We decided to meet at a restaurant, of my choice, since he didn’t know the area well. I chose a popular, local diner, with great food and affordable pricing. Although I love me some fine dining, I’m mindful of where I chose to go, especially the first date, because I don’t want to come across as a Lunch Slut or Dinner Whore. If he chooses to take me to a high end spot, I’ll surely eat, I’m just not going to suggest it, simply because a 5 Star Personality supersedes 5 Star Dining any day with me.

 

Admittedly, I was extremely late, due to an issue too silly to discuss, even with him. I finally arrive and he’s standing outside, looking down at his phone, to compare my picture online to the real-life me, and goes “Yep, that looks like you”. Uhhh, really? Not so subtle are we, eh? I noticed as he spoke he had a tooth, that was the color of an egg-yolk. It explained why he had no pics online smiling open mouthed though…I wasn’t going to focus on that, instead I wanted to see what kind of person he was (and bad “toofus” can be fixed, just ask me, as I fixed my chipped one!)  Anyway, we briefly “Church-Hugged” and went inside the restaurant. After being seated, he complained a lot about the menu, stating that “since the restaurant is so close to the beach, I was expecting more seafood…” I was a little irritated, but I calmly stated “You should’ve asked me to pick a seafood restaurant then”… Sidebar: Ladies, if a man is having issues with something as uncomplicated as restaurant choice/genre, RUN (hell, keep gym shoes in the trunk for this..lol)! Every single (no pun intended) time I’ve had a date that began with indecision on the man’s part, the date wound up being a dud. I’m not that picky, but hell, if you can’t do a simple task like pick a restaurant/food genre, your decision making skills suck …The sole purpose is for US to INTERACT, nevermind the food! “A 5 Star Personality supersedes 5 Star Dining any day with me.” 

 

Anyway, the food arrives and I think it’s delicious. I asked him about his “personalized meal selection” of blackened salmon and cheese grits. He says it’s alright, while eating the meal faster than Usain Bolt running on steroids. WTF? We make small talk during the meal and since we both love the beach, we decided to go after our meal. I figured he can’t fuck this up…or can he? SMH

We both drove a few blocks away to park and be closer to the beach. As I walk towards him, he hands me an opened umbrella, but it wasn’t raining. What in the complete fuck? I should’ve passed on it, but he “didn’t want me to get too hot”.  Uhhh, it’s the beach, in Florida, in July…smh! I’m walking like a dayum fool, talking with him, while under my own personal USP: Umbrella SPF Protection. He looks at his phone, and blurted out “This lady gets on my God damn nerves”. Wow!! Naturally, I had to, uh, ask  “Is everything alright”? He said yes, and mumbled something about her (“a lady from the office”)…Mind you, I rarely talk about work on dates nowadays, especially in that way… He’s also making comments of how light he really is in comparison to the darkened complexion of his face and arms (mind you, I’m still darker than he). I guess it must be all of the contracting work and unprotected beach walks that keeps him, so tan, eh? But who gives a shit, so I change the subject and ask him if he has any siblings. His response, with a straight face was “Yeah, my daddy loves Pussy, I got a whole bunch of ‘em”. WTF2, squared, to the second power!!! I was taken aback and nervously stated “Wow, Ohhh kay”…

We continued to walk on the beach, he’s picking up shells and I followed suit, umbrella in one hand, shells in the other. He said he likes to “make things with ’em”. I guess he can’t let all of that Contractor talent go to waste (*eye roll*)…He suggested we get going; since I had to meet with a friend to help her with wedding duties and he had to “drive to Tampa, for a contracting meeting with his brother”. He planned to do all of that, and be back home that evening. It was 3pm, he lives 2 hours away from me and I live 3 hours away from Tampa, so you’re talking 5 hours minimum driving time. I guess he has an airplane too…Nope, no airplane, just a toilet, to put all of this bullshit in…

 

As we’re walking away from the beach, he suggests we go to get something to drink. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on an alcoholic beverage after dealing with this clown. There was a Crab Shack within walking distance so we headed there…While complaining about the 3 post structure of a beachside high rise condo, he tosses the handful of shells he picked up on the beach, onto the sidewalk/entryway….Oh, Hell Nawwwl!!! I could not believe what he just did! I asked him why did he do that, he replied, “Oh, I didn’t really like any of those anyway”.  So I guess this he is the “Catch & Release” type. In my mind, I could not wait to get that cold DRANK!!! Yikes! 

 

We walked on the deck entrance to the restaurant and as we approach the door he goes “Ah, Ah..come on let’s go, the drinks in there are going to be overpriced, and plus I got all of these contractors I gotta pay, let’s go to the convenience store”. Apparently he was looking to go get a soda, and I was looking to get a drink. I’m going to pause writing because I just died here…I’ll be back shortly…Please come to my funeral, thank you!

 

Aaaaaaargh!!!!

 

Okay, I’m back. Yes, this MF just did that and I agreed to leave and have him follow me to the store, since I know the area. By this point I was obviously having an Out-Of-Body experience, I was being way too nice considering what just happened. I should’ve cussed his ass out and/or parted ways. In disbelief, I drive off toward the nearest gas station. I thought he was following, but apparently he was not. I missed his previous calls due to my phone being on silent. As soon as I called him back he goes “Why you ain’t picking up the phone”. I reply “What? My phone was on silent, I didn’t hear it, why would I just NOT pick up the phone”. He said that he went over to McDonald’s to get a “drink” and he was going to go ahead and get on the road…(or maybe his invisible private jet, if he can scrap up some leftover pennies for jet fuel) By the way, he drove a newer Black Mercedes Benz. Maybe a downgrade in vehicle could free up some spare dating change, eh? But I digress…

 

He said that he really enjoyed meeting me and he looked forward to seeing me again. I said thank for taking me out, have a safe trip. Now you know, I obviously did not want to see his “Bat Shit Cray-Cray” ass ever again, in life or death…lol He called and texted me a few times over the next few days after our hellacious date, however I did not respond. At this point, I’m so glad that I deactivated my POF account before I met him and that I closed out this dating season with another experience for the books. I’ll admit, It’s been an interesting ride, Randy’s is done with the “BS Bus”. It’s time to get FOCUSED, and quit looking for HIM. The final story remains unwritten, however I will return with a few more past tales soon. See you later, Sweets! Smooches!!!

 

 

 

 

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Had a fantastic date? Now what??

Good evening! Although it may seem like I may be slightly “ratchet”, I am trying to do my best to find someone to settle down with, all the while taking advice drom some of my guy friends and other guy sources. Why??  Because we chicks don’t know sh*t, only guys really know about guys…This is not meant to offend because I know we all mean well, however, the best advice I’ve ever received about guys have been FROM actual guys! They have the actual, uhhh, “equipment”, so if you’ve got a couple QUALITY guy friends/relatives, go to them and make sure you get as much information as possible. I happened to run across an article that I would like to share with you ladies out there: Have you ever had a great date and the guy disappeared on you or never called back?  Here’s a possiblity on WHY… http://bit.ly/18aqPol

http://www.thefrisky.com/2012-07-25/guy-talk-why-you-never-heard-from-me-again-after-our-amazing-first-date/

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La Secuela (The Sequel)

So…I have been advised by a friend and counsel that I must “deal” (my words) with Keith a second and perhaps third time in order to avoid the “hoe label” and return to being seen as the “cool chick”. In my mind, deep down to the pits of my soul, from the top of my Pituitary Gland and the bottom of my Medulla Oblangata,  I am screaming “Noooooooo”. He made some valid points; If you have sex with someone one time, they could just see you and say “oh yeah, I hit that” or “she’s just a l’il hoe”. Also sometimes the “first time” can be bad or awkward, because of nervousness, etc. It’s not just about having sex one or two more times, it’s about going out and hanging with him like on a buddy basis, and maybe throw in a little sex for good measure . I’ve never been approached with this situation before however I’ve made my decision on what I’m going to do. I’d like to hear some feedback from you. What do YOU think I’m going to do and what made you come up with YOUR prediction?

(By the way, after looking at a picture of Scarface, I think Keith looks more like Tony Montana than Ray Romano…Yikes!)

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Salida Rápida (Quick Exit, Non-Fuego)

As you know “Randy”, is I am affectionately called, is usually on the Latin scene. Unfortunately I’m going to have to take a little hiatus until I figure out what TF to do about a little situation.

Wanna know what happened??? Of course you do….

Well…I went to two Latin spots and I ran into a guy I met on the scene that I haven’t seen in awhile. I only know him as Keith, a Colombian man in his late 30’s. He has a very strong accent and also looks much older than his age. I guess you could say he looks like a poor man’s Ray Romano. He’s always very social and it seems like his goal is to buy me as many drinks as possible and talk my head off. He doesn’t really like to dance. Sometimes he comes with a friend thats a pretty good dancer and I dance with him too. He always says “I’m not a dancer, I’m an engineer”. I usually state “What does THAT have to do with anything?” AND of course he replies back with his rebuttal… Not in a mean spirited away though. Usually when we dance he’s constantly spinning me, while holding a drink in the other hand. If he could he would probably hold a cigarette in that same hand…SMH. By the way I really dislike smoking but he’s fun so I usually go outside with him for him to take a smoke. I tend to risk my lung health for people that interest me. Maybe one day I’ll get a medal for it who knows…

Since we were at a cigar bar, we went to the side where guests smoke . We sat down and chatted as usual. Even though the act and smell of smoking grosses me out, I could smell his cologne through the “smokescreen” and it smelled really nice. This night he had his cigarettes on the table. He said he just bought the box the day before. Dayum regular Marlboros! I noticed half of them were gone. I told him that I really don’t like smoking and he should probably quit. He said he can quit anytime. I took his box of cigarettes from him and ask if I could throw them in the garbage and he said “Okay, I quit for you”. I took the remaining cigarettes and tore them in half, put them back in the box and threw ’em in the garbage can. That was easy….

We left out afterwards. We were in the parking lot . He was like “Let’s hang out some more; I can get a room or you can come to my place.” I said let’s get a room” (because the likelihood of getting kill’t is significantly lower…You know, in case he wanted to murder a bitch lol). I don’t know, I figured maybe we could chill… At 2 a.m. in the morning… I have just only chilled in a hotel room before… I can see y’all right now,  rolling your eyes while you’re reading this. SMH!

We talked for awhile and then we wound up having sex. I wasn’t drunk or anything so I knew exactly what I was doing. I was conducting an experiment. I wanted to try a Hispanic man out. I didn’t like this one..NOT fuego at all.I wouldn’t say that ruined it for any other Hispanic guys since this particular experience was not appealing to me. I think it’s because he’s older lookin’ and he was smallish… I know the saying goes “It’s not the size of the ship, it’s the motion of the ocean”, but dammit, a little dinghy can capsize like an MF. I really don’t like to waste my “stuff”. Maybe next time I’ll aim higher, for a Mario Lopez lookin’, more endowed type and hope for the best …to close out my Experiment Files. Damn, does that sound shallow!? SMH

Sorry, I know I went out of order so let me backtrack to the “Walk of Shame” Morning After, uhhh incident…

I woke up feeling awkward as hell and felt that I needed to just get out of there. I could hear him snoring loudly so I figured he was in deep REM sleep. At this moment I felt like David Copperfield because I had do a serious magic trick on his ass! I summoned my Inner Magician to get out of the bed, grab my things quickly and quietly to make a mad dash for the door without waking him. Check out time was quickly approaching… Oh man, I had to haul major ass!! I grabbed my shoes, purse, glasses and clothing however couldn’t find my underwear, so I crossed my fingers and hoped that he wouldn’t do anything crazy with them. I quietly walked toward the door and I looked in my purse to make sure I had my keys. I was able to get dressed while I “hid” in the area where the bathroom was. I quickly reached over, removed the safety latch and unlocked the deadbolt. I opened the door and hauled ass as quickly as I could in five inch platform Madden peep toe pumps! I knew the sound of the door woke him. I went straight to the elevator and did not look back. I got in my car and I hauled the most major level of ass-hauling I’ve ever the done in my life!

I could smell his cologne and smoke in my hair and on me. I could not wait to take a shower!! I didn’t realize until I got a text from him at about noon that I forgot my charger. I guess he’s holding on to it for me. Don’t worry Buddy because I’m not going to try to link up with you to get my charger; I’m trying to avoid you! Not your fault you did nothing wrong…Sometimes you just gotta go… So now I’ll be in hiatus mode. Now that I know which two spots he could be, I’ll just avoid them for a little bit. If I see him I’ll judge his demeanor and if he wants to speak I’ll speak and be “normal”. If he acts weird I’ll just will ignore him. He seems to be a mature guy so I’m assuming that he will at least say “Hello” when he sees me…Time will tell…

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Things ARE bigger in Texas (First Online Writing Submission)

Good evening!

I’m enjoying writing and blogging much more than I expected. I did an online submission tonight, where I had to write an article using Peterbilt Trucks as the subject, and of course you know it has “Randy’s Touch”. I hope you enjoy it!

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One day, while driving down to Miami for a party, I experienced car trouble. Unfortunately, I didn’t have Roadside Assistance, so I stood outside my 97′ Mustang, hoping someone would come over to “rescue me”. It wasn’t long before man driving a Peterbilt Truck, pulled over to help. He seemed very knowledgeable about Mustangs, of all things. We even discussed what color I should paint my Mustang; I considered a deep, burgundy red, he preferred the “standard factory red”. His energy was so comforting, that I almost forgot about the issue at hand: fixing the damn car! We laughed about our differences in opinion and addressed the car problem. He said “There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.” I laughed and agreed. I explained that I was having trouble steering. Turns out my belt needed to be tightened. He was able to quickly work under the hood and fix the belt. His charm was absolutely infectious. He was quite the character: Tall, handsome, very “Southern” and funny.

We chatted for quite a while. He said he was from Texas. I gazed up at his tall, statuesque physique, and for a moment, I thought, “Wow, they DO, make things bigger in Texas, I see”. I said, “You better get going before I make you late and get you in trouble with the boss”. He said, “Oh, you don’t have to worry about that, sweetheart, my great grandaddy was Mr. T.A. Peterman, so they don’t bother me that much. I drive, because I like it, not because I have to”. He gave me a light kiss on the hand, tipped his hat and bid me adieu. I thought, “Well knock me over with a feather!”

I took his number and we parted ways. I look forward speaking with him again. You know what they say, “Peterbilt’s red oval is a familiar symbol of quality, performance, reliability and pride.” And honey, from the looks of it, they weren’t lying!